越底越不可信

總的來說，我今年似乎沒得到什麼，似乎又失敗了。 但不知怎地突然有了動力跟勇氣與興致來好好回顧這一年，我想做個總檢討並且認真的從寫下這篇文章的當下就開始著手實行對於2017的計畫。 2016： 1.今年的考試報了高一層級，因此差了一點兒還是落榜。 但不知為何我卻沒有非常沮喪的那種挫折感，反而有種找到方向的感覺。 2.把兼職那邊做結束了，有點覺得驚慌我的少數進帳來源戛然而止了。但同時卻更有種正式感，更清楚的表態自己不會再拖下去了，這階段任務就得在未來的6個月內完成。 3.在很多地方開始漸漸地守住了自己的底線，而不再一味的配合情勢改變自己，我想是正在慢慢的形成成熟的自我。 4.心平氣和了許多，也比以前能夠察覺到對方發語的用意，以退為進該如何應對，不再全然大剌剌地說話來往。但反面而言，我開始有點三思而後行，行事偏向信奉事前資料的準備周詳，而不像以前憑著自信隨機應變，很能兵來將擋，應勢而為。我想這原因在於，平日跟自我對話少了、對於有組織性並高層次的發言練習不夠、以及過久未服用精神糧食各式書籍導致辭彙貧乏。 5.發胖到新層次，但這也就是至高點了，我的前凸後翹時代正在來臨。 6.有能理解我的buddy。 2017： 1.在2017/1月31日之前換新工作。 2.階段性任務在2017/6月之前結束上岸。 3.去上我已經鎖定很久的課。 4.照計畫雕塑身材成功。 5.2017年12月31前做好下階段準備。 6.兩部投出去/動下去。 7.這不能說是計畫，但我真心希望會實現，i hope i can get my sun in this year. 大致上就是這樣了，Happy New Year!

Yes, he doesn't remember it at all. Indeed, i think he hasn't noticed it at all. What else can i say? What else should i do? If i'm convinced by him or by myself again, it means I'm the biggest idiot in the world. Today, all of these will be end. I deserve a man who would remember who i am.

Can i set you on there and let the whole world know it? The final answer is clear enough. No. And do you still expect the reason? Fuck it you stupid idiot. The only reason is that he is a jerk n a liar in the beginning. Everybody told me it must be something wrong, it's fishy and he must be hiding something. The answer is, the truth is, he refused it n gave some shitty excuses like it's all for you ctp. And when he found out it doesn't work, he's gone n refused to discuss it. Well, what a nice man. And me, what a idiot.

I hope he can try to find me n talk to me, but i know it is impossible. I deleted him by myself. And he knows it now. That's right. But i feel so bad.

I don't know should i tell you what's in my mind or not? Actions speak louder than words. Sometimes you seems like a jerk, sometimes you seems like an innocent and sincere big boy. I don't  know should i try this again? Ask yourself, you need a guide to bring you to get rid of the mist. You need someone who can help you, not someone who just wants to get benefits from you. You need someone who will take care of you. Not someone who will be gone for a whole weekend. And you definitely do not need someone who will ignore your txts for a whole day. Now, are we clear enough? Yes, we are. Do what you already decided. I will move on and you should know i mean it, yeah.

為了重新拾起我的文字組織能力， 來吧，挑戰一天一篇網誌，共60天，每天不同主題，最少500字，開始！

and i won't beg you to stay. #1 Every person whom i've met all be my motivation, that's the most incredible thing i've never thought. thank you guys, you make understand the important thing is to live my life. Always ask yourself what do you want and go back to the beginning, then you will see the direction much clearly. #2 Birdy - Wild Horses this is a beautiful song. 中文歌詞可以去下列網址： lineday 已經有我喜歡的翻譯版本，我就不用麻煩了。

That's my final decision. you're too physical, that's not what i want. you do have much advantages though, unfortunately those aren't such important to me. you can't give me supporting, you don't care about my talent and my thought. there's no reason to waste my time then. the observation is over and you didn't pass it. that's all.

這三個禮拜也讓我冷靜下來， 好好的開始重新思考，到底我想要的是甚麼？這真的是我所在追尋的嗎？或只是因為被制約後立刻抽離的失落感？ 我真的需要嗎？ 我在找的是像這樣的東西嗎？ 回到最當初踏進的動機，初衷是甚麼？ 絕對不是像現在這樣在不對的時間點，不對的地方，以不怎麼對勁的模式進行著吧？ 如果失去了，我真的會失去什麼嗎？ 不能給我支撐的東西我真的要把它當成一次機會嗎？ 沒有裡子的空盒再精美也沒用啊。

Enough. No more what if, just like what i have thought in the beginning. Don't be a stupid gal again.

Since he texted wrong, you should've known. No possible, just fade outttttttt....

I'm like an idiot. Busy at work, with family, cleaning room, with friends, phone is broken, reached late, fighting. What else? See? Like i said, he means to miss the timing. You will never talk to him. Fighting now? That was the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard. Face the truth stupid, he will never text you or call you again. Even if you try to ping him, all you will get is "read" or "not read forever". Idiot.

完全的 結束。 冷盤我也一點都不想再吃了，就這樣吧。

This is the end. And i need to mark today as a milestone, to remind me that i should give up. Although i know I'm already started to like him, I've seen him as someone that I would try to trust and rely on. But the fact is, he doesn't think like what i think. It hurts me bad, i don't know when can i heal. But I'll try. And thank you, old man.

我想這就是最後了。 雖然我不懂為什麼這樣急轉直下，但我想我確實曾經被攻陷了，也必須對自己承認，他確實是我心中理想型態的比較虛榮那面，也正是如此，我才會那麼患得患失吧。 我看不到什麼樣比較顯著還有發展，希望的線索，但如果能夠，如果宇宙幫了我，能夠沒在這裡結束，而往好的路線走去，我會回來好好報告。 做最好準備，最壞打算吧。

I feel so lonely. 第二天沒有任何往來，標準說來，這個禮拜都是這樣不冷不熱著，我装著不在意，但心情差到了谷底，怎麼辦才好，我知道這夠愚蠢，但， 但我好像真的有點陷入了。 I don't know how to do…… 我能實體的成功嗎？ 或是下個禮拜我就得接受事實並開始啟動自我療癒機制呢？ 我一點把握都沒有，並且相當的想念。

在綜合一切客觀發生過的事實之下，我得出了結論，推定是同行但屬於高段位，僅此而已，無須再做太善意的假設，且我想這個推定大概有百分之八十準確，很難以被推翻，所以姊已經形成了確信的心證，決定性證據就是，甚至在不知何人的情況下就快速出招了，如果這不是__，那什麼才是__。 Don't be silly. 確定了犯罪行為人具備意圖之後，我唯一要做的就是Relax and play了。

不好意思敝人宣布即日起為The Wanton Bishops週。 姊現在沒空，先丟個荷洛蒙四處散射的Live推廣一下，得空再做個歌詞翻譯跟介紹。 愛死你們了 ( Aww ! )

The Weeknd 從2011左右崛起後到目前為止得到各界一致讚賞，端出來最能嚇人的大概是格雷的五十道陰影那首Earned it跟最近拿走了葛萊美兩個獎，然後熱門曲一首比一首熱都先別提。 雖然The Weeknd星期先生是被歸為R&B那一路，但這首顯然不怎麼R&B的現場反而讓我無法停止播放激動到一定要放上來推崇。 喔對了還有，這場live在第一趴house of balloons只唱到第一段副歌，就直接進入glass table girls了。 好我不想廢話太多，就直接按播放吧(前面是閒聊，開唱從01:40開始)。 歌詞&不負責自行翻譯：(*算是注釋後附)  House of Balloons  [Verse 1] Been on another level since you came, no more pain   妳來了以後我們就到了另一個層次，沒有痛苦 You look into my eyes, you can't recognize my face   妳直視著我的雙眼，辨認不出我的臉 You're in my world now, you can stay, you can stay   妳現在在我的世界裡了，待著吧，待著 But you belong to me, you belong to me   但妳是屬於我的，妳屬於我 [Hook] If it hurts to breathe, open the window   無法呼吸的話，開窗啊 Oh, your mind wants to leave but you can't go   喔妳明明想離開卻沒辦法啊 This is a happy house, we're happy here   這裡是個快樂屋，我們在這裡很快樂 In a happy house, oh this is fun   在一個快樂屋裡，這真有趣 [Verse 2] Music got you lost   音樂讓妳迷失了 Nights pass so much quicker than the days did   夜晚過得比白天快多了 Same clothes,

就這樣，是該保持平常心。 保持為一個異文化交流者吧，別忘了你的目標。 stay in 如果沒法，那也就算了，時機不對。

我想是我太天真了 這不是我能夠駕馭的東西 別自己幻想太多吧 或許這當中一點真實都沒有 到底在陷落什麼 如果你感覺到什麼不對勁那最終就是不對勁的， 別太發揮包容力跟美圖秀秀了。 Fade out好嗎 這是你目前最需要的單字 Fade out, fade out, fading out..... Let it go Let it be a stranger, just a stranger.

為什麼會這樣啊…救命 我明明記得我寄出去了啊！ 為什麼會沒收到我的老天阿 我還早上六點爬起來校稿欸…到底怎麼回事 嗚嗚嗚嗚 呃啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊到底發生什麼事了啊！ 我不要再犯錯了我到底在幹嘛啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊 我的電腦是出問題還怎樣 到底怎麼回事啊 Ooooooommmmmmmmggggggggggg

之一。 你知道，你一定也感受過突如其來毫無理由的就被寂寞襲擊的時刻但那種寂寞並不是純然因為單身的感情狀態所引起的，而是突然發現自己是唯一的存在，並不一定擁有任何與其他存在的情感連結，在這個世界上，你其實只擁有自己啊。 之二。 然而，因為陷入被全然的寂寞籠罩下，極度想抓住什麼而胡亂伸出了手，這時候卻發現垂下來回應你的繩子遠超出想像得到的數量，只要你肯伸出手，願意幫助你的人還是那麼多啊。

這美好的四年 就這樣窖藏著過了。 22.23.24.25 在我人生計畫中該用來揮霍吸收重整的這四年啊 說後不後悔嗎 我不敢說再來一次一定會選擇別條路 但既然時間是不可逆的 既然我這麼的為了失去的這四年哀悼 那麼我就該更把這一年給壓縮著過 每次耍廢下去前 都該低頭看看手裡握著放不了的這四年份的空虛與煎熬 衝下去啊!!!!!!! 輕熟女什麼的真是煩死惹  嗚嗚

26歲。 我該起跑了。 如果不是現在，那就永遠不會有以後了。 為了一切還來得及， 我已經開始拼盡全力助跑起飛。 宇宙啊，請幫助我。